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Krista Diane Bautista

Second to Last Day of Pride Month

Listening to Polo G -THE GOAT on Spotify

A little over 3 months into worldwide quarantine and social distancing. None of this is new to me in concept as I have been social distancing and isolating for months now. 

Hope is a resource that I am rationing. I am socially, morally and soon to be financially bankrupt. All my social media accounts are gone. No contact with the people that I enjoyed interacting with. No support or the illusion of support from kind digital strangers. No flow, no synergy to plan and organize mass actions and protests and an ever-disintegrating brain. I am burnt out during this pandemic and have been running on fumes for far too long now. 

My energy is gone, and my spirit is wasting away. I am operating on a limited amount of time and I have been neglected and have neglected myself for years. Healing takes so much time, more time than I have. 

All the efforts I have made to stay hopeful are able to be taken away so quick. I am using this time to build up my strength, I am going to need it come November. 

I keep my therapy appointments, I try to stay away from malicious people that want me to hurt, I am setting boundaries and not feeling guilty, I am eating healthier, I am managing my vices, I am seeing a chiropractor, I am seeing an acupuncturist, I am using a cane but I will not ever be whole again.

I am looking forward to a me 2.0. I am looking forward to the future because my present and past have nothing for me but lessons. 

I want to keep living. I want to see what happens after all of this. I want to see a united and equitable world. I want to be independent and not need anyone to take care of me even though I still need so much care. 

The paranoia keeps me hyper-vigilant. I think old friends have become informants. I think that I am being followed and monitored because of a letter I received with no return address. I could be wrong. I could be right. 

Either way, I have no answers, no safety, and no clue why I keep doing this work. 

I think Schizophrenia is the manifestation of fear pathologized. I think we would not have so much fear if we had more understanding. I think we would have more understanding if people made the choice to listen to each other and meet each other where they are at. I think we would have more spiritual leaders if we did not throw them all on the street. 

I want to see a system that serves all the world’s people, not just the rich white majority. I want to see worldwide direct action and mutual aid. What could we achieve if the world’s greatest minds shared knowledge and worked together without fear?

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