Search

Krista Diane Bautista


Second to Last Day of Pride Month

Listening to Polo G -THE GOAT on Spotify

A little over 3 months into worldwide quarantine and social distancing. None of this is new to me in concept as I have been social distancing and isolating for months now. 

Hope is a resource that I am rationing. I am socially, morally and soon to be financially bankrupt. All my social media accounts are gone. No contact with the people that I enjoyed interacting with. No support or the illusion of support from kind digital strangers. No flow, no synergy to plan and organize mass actions and protests and an ever-disintegrating brain. I am burnt out during this pandemic and have been running on fumes for far too long now. 

My energy is gone, and my spirit is wasting away. I am operating on a limited amount of time and I have been neglected and have neglected myself for years. Healing takes so much time, more time than I have. 

All the efforts I have made to stay hopeful are able to be taken away so quick. I am using this time to build up my strength, I am going to need it come November. 

I keep my therapy appointments, I try to stay away from malicious people that want me to hurt, I am setting boundaries and not feeling guilty, I am eating healthier, I am managing my vices, I am seeing a chiropractor, I am seeing an acupuncturist, I am using a cane but I will not ever be whole again.

I am looking forward to a me 2.0. I am looking forward to the future because my present and past have nothing for me but lessons. 

I want to keep living. I want to see what happens after all of this. I want to see a united and equitable world. I want to be independent and not need anyone to take care of me even though I still need so much care. 

The paranoia keeps me hyper-vigilant. I think old friends have become informants. I think that I am being followed and monitored because of a letter I received with no return address. I could be wrong. I could be right. 

Either way, I have no answers, no safety, and no clue why I keep doing this work. 

I think Schizophrenia is the manifestation of fear pathologized. I think we would not have so much fear if we had more understanding. I think we would have more understanding if people made the choice to listen to each other and meet each other where they are at. I think we would have more spiritual leaders if we did not throw them all on the street. 

I want to see a system that serves all the world’s people, not just the rich white majority. I want to see worldwide direct action and mutual aid. What could we achieve if the world’s greatest minds shared knowledge and worked together without fear?

99 views1 comment
Subscribe to Our Site
All images other than author photos and artist artwork ©Matthew Batt 2020